I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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