So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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