sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
