All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
