11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
