I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
