he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You left your phone here
Wait...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
