We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
