Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
