i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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