A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
