I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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