i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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