i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
