we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
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