she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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