what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
