At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
