Kareoke will never be a sober sport
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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