I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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