I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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