I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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