She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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