I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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