I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Someone signed my nipple.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
