His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
even my farts smell like vagina
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
