after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
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And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
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Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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