Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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