if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
