Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
