i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
