Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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