I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
