I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
