you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
