Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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