For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
