Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
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Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
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next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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