that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
