there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
