operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
