Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
