I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
