So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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