Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
