I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
