That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I checked into jail on foursquare
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
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Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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