You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
