Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
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Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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