so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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