she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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