is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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