you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
