eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
