I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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