He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
