Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
